This article is part of SELF’s third annual Rest Week, an editorial package dedicated to doing less. Taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally, is impossible without genuine downtime. With that in mind, we’ll be publishing articles up until the new year to help you make a habit of taking breaks, chilling out, and slowing down. (And we’re taking our own advice: The SELF staff will be OOO during this time!) We hope to inspire you to take it easy and get some rest, whatever that looks like for you.
Don’t get me wrong: I love flying out to see my family at the end of the year. But by day six, the excitement starts to wear off a bit. Suddenly, every “Can you come downstairs?” or “What are you doing right now?” grates on my last nerve, and I’m hit with an urge to sneak out the back door.
Obviously, this little escape fantasy makes me feel like a terrible, ungrateful person. (How could I think this way about my dear, sweet mom?) But even if you’ve got a solid relationship with your parents, siblings, cousins—whoever—it’s normal to crave solitude after being cooped up and socializing nonstop, Erica Turner, LMFT, owner of Rosewater Therapy in Alexandria, Virginia, tells SELF.
For some people, “this time of year might be the only real break they get, so it makes sense that they’d want true, relaxing rest,” Turner says. Plus, “the holiday season in particular comes with lots of pressures and expectations—gifts, traditions, chatting with relatives you haven’t seen in a while—which can be exhausting for anyone.”
In a perfect world, asking to be left alone for a few hours wouldn’t be a big deal. But let’s be realistic: In a lot of families, that simple request can be met with resistance, hurt feelings, and a barrage of questions: Why? Is everything okay? Did we do anything to upset you? So the next time you’re desperate for a moment of freedom (without any drama), consider using one of these clever excuses to slip away and recharge your social battery.
1. Offer to walk the dog or grab something from the store.
Winnie the Poodle may be your ticket to a sweet escape, Erin Olivo, PhD, cofounder of the Center for Wise Mind Living in New York and assistant psychology professor at Weill Cornell Medical College, tells SELF. Taking your furry relative outside not only provides you with a (literal and figurative) breath of fresh air, but your family might even see your secretly selfish wish for alone time as a noble act of kindness. (“Aw, you’re so sweet. Thank you for offering!”)
If there’s no dog in the house, another equally solid getaway plan is volunteering to run an errand—a not particularly fun one. Maybe your mom needs someone to drop a couple of packages off at the post office or pick up the dry cleaning. The more inconvenient and universally hated the chore is, the better, since your family will be less likely to want to tag along, Turner adds: “It’s a clever trick to make yourself useful while also getting your desired solo time.”
2. Fake a headache.
A simple line like, “Ugh, my head’s starting to hurt. I need to lie down,” can snag you a few uninterrupted hours in bed, Dr. Olivo says. Usually, something as mild as a headache is enough for people to respect your request to rest without making them panic about your health.
This may not work for everyone though, especially if you’ve got an overly concerned parent who’s gonna ask a million questions or insist on taking your temperature every 30 minutes. In that case, you can try another SELF-approved trick, instead: Faking a nap. Whether or not you actually sleep is up to you, but at least pretending to be oh-so-tired can buy you an hour or two of peace and quiet, Dr. Olivio says. (Just know that this method works best when you keep the noise down—meaning, don’t blast Gilmore Girls or hop on a call with your best friend unless you want someone to catch on to your white lie.)
3. Pretend to take a “super important” work call.
A work meeting sounds legit and professional enough that chances are, no one will question it, Dr. Olivo says. Most people won’t stop you from calling the person who signs your paychecks, and they probably won’t bother you until you’re “done” either. Plus, everyone will blame your grinch of a manager who “doesn’t care that it’s Christmas”—and not you—for interrupting precious bonding time.
Pro tip: “Communicate your situation before or as soon as you arrive,” Turner suggests. In other words, let your loved ones know upfront that you’ll need to step away—to your room or even a nearby coffee shop to “really focus.” When you’ve already explained why you’re disappearing, your relatives will be less likely to feel blindsided or offended.
4. Volunteer to refill everyone’s drinks.
Let’s say you’re stuck at an uncomfortable family dinner: Perhaps your loud-mouthed uncle is going off about his political views (again). Or your well-meaning mother won’t stop grilling you about still being single. By all means, you should feel empowered to speak up for yourself—even if that means setting boundaries or letting them know you don’t want to engage, Turner says.
That said, sometimes in these high-stress situations, you may just want to leave and…not deal. It can be tricky to excuse yourself without drawing attention, though, which is why Dr. Olivo recommends lending a hand. “Go to the kitchen and offer to help with whatever meal prep is going on. Or, be the person who ensures that drinks keep getting filled,” she suggests. “You’ll still be present enough to avoid suspicion while also getting a break from engaging with whoever is putting you on edge.”
5. Swing by the kids’ table.
No matter how old you are, sitting through heavy or boring “adult” conversations (about the economy, politics, or your job) can be draining. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or need a little breather, heading over to the kids’ table might provide a much-needed mental reset.
For one, it gives you a legit excuse to slip away without having to explain yourself. Saying something like, “I’m just gonna check on the kids for a bit” makes you look like a caring, responsible person. Even better, this move can pull you out of whatever grown-up drama you’re trying to escape, Dr. Olivo says. “You can also offer to take the children outside to play catch or supervise them in the TV room,” she adds. After all, what better way to counteract adult stress than by soaking up the kiddos’ carefree, silly, and nonjudgmental energy?
6. Consider a “no-talking-needed” activity, like going to the movies.
Needing space doesn’t mean you have to hide out in your childhood bedroom alone. One easy way to recharge—without shutting out your loved ones—is to choose a low-key, low-stimulation activity, like going to the movie theater. “You sit there in silence, next to each other,” Laurie Helgoe, PhD, associate psychology professor at Augsburg University and author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, previously told SELF. “It’s just this shared, lovely quiet.” You can also suggest watching one at home. It may not be as peaceful of an experience, but it should at least provide a refreshing break from intense conversations, lively parties, and exhausting holiday traditions.
While any of these excuses can be a great short-term solution for occasional I’ve had it moments, Turner says it’s ultimately in your best interest to be direct about needing a breather. “Wanting to set boundaries or have space isn’t a mean or ‘bad’ thing,” she explains. “And it’s important to feel comfortable addressing your needs with your loved ones.” Otherwise, consistently pretending everything’s fine (when really, you’re at your breaking point) will just cause feelings like frustration, resentment, and agitation to fester until you finally snap.
According to both therapists, the best way to express “Hey, please leave me alone for the next hour” (but nicer, obviously) is to communicate without blaming anyone: not your “overbearing” parents; not your “irritating” siblings. For example, you could say, “I’m so wiped out. I’m going to take an hour to rest and I’ll be back in a bit.” Remember, needing alone time (even when you’re with your absolute favorite people) is natural, so you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep walking on eggshells in order to take care of yourself.
Related:
- 3 Things to Do After an Incredibly Draining Family Visit
- What to Do When You’re Super Cranky and Hate Everyone
- 5 Little Ways to Be a Better Friend When You’re So, So Tired
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