How to Improve Communication Skills in a Relationship, According to Experts

These techniques can turn a potential blowup into a moment that brings you closer.

November 25, 2024

Illo of how to improve communication skills in a relationship

“Just communicate!” is common advice for couples—but what does it mean? If it were really that simple, everyone would know how to improve communication skills in a relationship—no help required. In reality, getting on the same page and truly understanding each other takes time, effort, and a big dose of self-awareness regarding “how what we’re feeling impacts what we’re saying,” Emily Sanders, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF.

It might sound like a labor of love, but effective communication tools are worth brushing up on if you want your relationship to go the distance. Whether you’re trying to comfort your loved one after a rough day, ask for support without feeling like a burden, or share your frustrations in a way that won’t escalate, expressing yourself clearly—and more importantly, kindly—can keep the trust strong and the intimacy alive, Sanders explains.

Of course, this process isn’t always straightforward when you factor in your unique dynamic and personal needs. But generally speaking, successful relationships thrive when both people can open up with compassion and consideration. So to help you have more productive, meaningful conversations, we asked two experts to share how to improve communication skills in a relationship.

1. Use active listening to understand your partner’s point of view before sharing yours.

You may already know that part of being a good communicator is listening attentively…which may not be your strong suit. But don’t worry—a lot of people aren’t naturally great at it, Domenique Harrison, LMFT, Los Angeles–based psychotherapist and founder of The Racial Equity Therapist, tells SELF. For one, it’s human to become distracted by your own thoughts and emotions. You may, for instance, start planning your defense instead of fully hearing an issue your partner raises. Or maybe, as they vent about their family drama, you find yourself thinking of the “right” thing to say next—or gearing up your own rant of the day.

However, simply hearing them out can be one of the most meaningful ways to make the other person feel appreciated, Harrison says. To sharpen your listening skills, you can start by acting more present, like by putting your phone away during dinner or asking follow-up questions. (“Can you tell me more about…”) You can also mirror their words back to them with phrases like, “If I’m hearing you correctly…” and, “So you’re frustrated that….”

Showing that you’re engaged can build a deeper sense of mutual understanding that’s necessary for any intimate relationship to thrive, Harris explains. Plus, digging into their perspective can teach you how to best show up for your loved one—whether that’s offering advice or validating their experience.

2. Swap accusations and demands with “I” statements.

Bottling up frustrations can lead to miscommunication—or worse, resentment—which is why it’s important to express (not suppress) your thoughts and concerns. That said, rather than snapping at your partner to “stop taking so long in the bathroom,” or claiming they never initiate date night, Harrison suggests a more empathetic approach: “I” statements. Think, “I get frustrated when I can’t use the bathroom before work in the morning,” or, “I’ve been missing those romantic weekends we used to have.”

Ultimately, focusing on your own feelings lessens your chance of coming across as critical and combative, Harrison says. That way, she explains, you’re still opening up about your needs without sounding harsh, making your SO more receptive to your requests (“Would you be open to planning our next night out?”) and potential compromises (“What if we save the marathon showers for nights and weekends?”).

3. Pay attention to your (and your partner’s )body language.

Nonverbal communication is just as important as the words you say, both experts agree. Think of how closed off someone can seem when crossing their arms and turning away from you, or how you might question whether someone’s actually paying attention if their eyes keep wandering.

Of course, body language isn’t one-size-fits-all, since it’s influenced by factors like cultural differences and personal preferences, Harrison says. (In some Asian countries, for instance, directly looking into someone’s eyes can be seen as disrespectful, not attentive.) “So the first step is to ask your partner what nonverbal cues they prefer,” she says. Do they like or absolutely hate eye contact? Is physical touch comforting or overwhelming?

Being mindful of subtle gestures can make it easier to pick up on your partner’s feelings, too, Harrison adds. Maybe they say their day was fine, but their facial expression suggests otherwise. Or they typically maintain eye contact and suddenly avoid it. In these “off” moments, Harrison suggests gently sharing your observations (“I noticed X out-of-character behavior. Are you sure everything’s okay?”) to encourage them to open up without pressuring them or jumping to conclusions.

4. Team up against problems instead of arguing about them.

When you’re in the heat of a disagreement, it can be tempting to focus on who’s “right” and who’s “wrong.” But while that may feel satisfying in the moment, Harrison says you’re better off approaching the conflict together, viewing it as “you two vs. the problem,” rather than a fight that only one of you can win. When you’re zeroed in on proving your point, you miss the chance to grow as a couple and find solutions.

Say you’re arguing about who forgot to pay the electric bill. It’s easy to get stuck in a blame game: “You never remember things like this!” “Well, you always remind me!” Instead of rehashing who’s at fault, Harrison suggests taking a step back and looking at it from a more neutral perspective, asking, “What’s the issue, and how can we fix it?”

It might be a matter of mismatched expectations, like one partner assuming the other is taking the lead on bills while the other thought it was a shared responsibility. Or maybe the deeper issue is about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported in handling household tasks. What’s important is that you work through it together—not duke it out.

5. Look for common ground.

Another key conflict resolution skill is learning to meet halfway. Let’s say you and your partner have different ideas for the weekend—maybe one of you wants to go out while the other prefers staying in. A win-win solution could be making late-night plans for Friday night and relaxing at home on Saturday. Or more generally, Sanders also recommends making it a habit to include your SO’s perspective by saying things like, “I’d prefer doing XYZ, but what are you thinking?” instead of calling the shots on your own.

In scenarios where there isn’t a 50-50 compromise—say, choosing where to move—Sanders recommends reframing the conversation by asking something like, “I know we disagree on whether X or Y city is better, but what do we agree is important in a place to live?” An approach like this, she says, can shift the conversation away from your differences—and maybe even reveal an unexpected option you hadn’t thought of at first.

6. Call a “time-out” if things are getting too tense.

Sometimes, talking it out isn’t the best course of action—like when you’re pissed, hurt, or otherwise deep in your feelings. “When emotions are high, they push us into a reactive place, which makes it hard to communicate effectively or thoughtfully,” Sanders says. As a result, you might lash out with poor communication habits like name-calling, sarcasm, or a condescending tone of voice—all of which will only escalate conflict.

“If you’re getting too heated to continue a conversation respectfully, put it on pause and revisit things once you’ve calmed down,” Sanders says. “Just let the other person know when, exactly, you’ll resume the conversation,” so you’re not just putting off an uncomfortable topic. For an effective time-out, both experts suggest whipping out those trusty “I” statements, like “I need a moment to cool off. Can we take an hour and revisit this after we’ve had a breather?”

If you’re unsure how long to step away, the Gottman Institute suggests at least 20 minutes, since that’s roughly how long it takes to chill out after a blowup. Whether you walk around the block a few times or agree to pick up the discussion after some shut-eye, having that space allows you both to process strong emotions and come back with a clearer head.

7. Prioritize regular check-ins.

Having good communication skills comes in clutch during tense conflicts or big talks about your future. But both experts agree that consistently working on these techniques is crucial for long-term success—and what better way to practice than when things are calm and low-pressure?

“It’s helpful to regularly check in about how your significant other is doing,” Sanders adds. “Do they feel supported? How can you both grow together?” If setting up a formal calendar invite every Wednesday feels a little forced, more casual moments—like chatting about how things are going while making dinner together or during your scenic Sunday walks—work just as well, Harrison adds.

Of course, “practicing healthy communication in a romantic relationship is an ongoing process,” Sanders explains—and if you and your SO are really struggling to get on the same page, couples therapy can help (though even if your love life is going well, these pros can still teach you to fine-tune your skills.) But putting the above tips into practice should at least make it easier to express your needs (and understand your partner’s) and face whatever life throws at you as a strong, united couple.