How to Use Temperature Play to Ignite Your Sex Life

Adding hot and cold sensations to the mix can go a long way.

November 18, 2024

illustration of burning candle with melting wax

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In an ideal world, sex is full of feeling. The visceral rush of pleasure! The pang of emotional connection or ripe desire! But, of course, the reality isn’t always quite so cinematic. The familiarity of a long-term partnership or even just the logistics of time and energy can make sex start to feel a little…lukewarm. In that case, might we suggest temperature play?

Incorporating the physical sensations of hot and cold into a sexual act can help you feel something again—and not just in terms of degrees. The frigid touch of an ice cube or the warmth of melted wax, for instance, can supercharge your senses and help you better “tune in” to what’s happening to your body, Lexx Brown-James EdD, LMFT, director of the Sexual Health Certificate Program at the University of Michigan’s School of Social Work, tells SELF. And that heightened awareness can amp up physical arousal and pleasure, she says.

Read on to learn why experts say you should be playing with temperature in bed and exactly how to make any sexual experience sensational (quite literally).

Temperature play can fire up your sex life both physically and emotionally.

Scientifically speaking, putting something hot or cold on your skin wakes up a bunch of temperature-sensitive nerve endings. Doing this during sex stimulates your body in new ways, which can amplify sensation, Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, a San Diego—based sociologist and the author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women, tells SELF. Not to mention, warmth and coolness have the power to elicit other sensual feelings. “When we’re talking about warm play, it’s a similar principle as taking a hot bath, so it can be really relaxing,” Gigi Engle, a COSRT-registered sex and relationships psychotherapist based in the United Kingdom and lead intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun, tells SELF. Cold, on the other hand, can give you a jolt of the chills and create a sense of surprise or excitement, she says.

Pushing the envelope (with caution!) toward hotter or cooler temps can also put you in the burns-so-good territory. “There’s a threshold where, if something hurts a little bit, then pleasurable endorphins can also get released,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. Playing with that boundary or testing that limit a bit can be fun—and feel good. But of course, you want to be careful to stop before flat-out pain (more on safety later).

Beyond the physical, temperature play can offer a dose of novelty, which can help revive or enliven the sexual energy between you and a partner, Engle says, particularly if things have started to feel a little boring in the bedroom. “This is an accessible way to change things up and try something new that doesn’t require buying a bunch of expensive equipment,” she adds.

Engle also sees it as a potential first step toward kinkier sex or BDSM play. “Once you try out temperature play and realize that you like feeling these different sensations, you might think, ‘Huh, maybe a little spanking could be nice’ or ‘Scratching could be cool,’ or otherwise explore what else you might be into,” she says. And as with anything in the kink realm, involving temperature can also build intimacy, Dr. Brown-James says, “because you’re trusting someone else to use something on you and experiment with your arousal.”

How to explore temperature play during sex

It can be awkward to suggest any new sexual activity to a partner, particularly kinky stuff. But the experts agree pointing to an outside source of intel (like this article!) can be a great way to start. Dr. Gansaullus recommends saying something like, “Hey, I read this piece about temperature play, and it sounds cool because of X or Y reason. Would you want to try it?” This way, there’s no implication that you’re unhappy with whatever you’re currently doing, she explains. You’re just proposing something else to add to your repertoire.

Once you confirm that your partner’s into the idea, it’s helpful to talk through specific types of hot or cold play you’d like to try—which is what we’re about to get into. Just a quick note on safety across the board: You always want to test the temperature of anything you’re planning to use during sex on the inside of your wrist first, Dr. Brown-James says. This is sensitive skin, so it’ll give you a good read on whether you’re safe to go forth.

Hot ideas for temperature play

1. Get breathy. The simplest way to invoke a little temperature action requires zero tools. Simply opening your mouth wide and exhaling right over a partner’s skin can produce a blast of warmth. Dr. Brown-James suggests aiming for sensitive erogenous zones like their neck, inner thigh, or yes, genitals.

2. Loosen them up with warm oil. Massages often involve oil that’s been warmed up because it feels soothing on the skin and relaxing for the muscles beneath—and there’s no reason you can’t replicate that effect at home in a sensual kind of way, Dr. Gunsaullus says. Just put your bottle of oil in a bowl of hot water to raise its temperature (without making it too hot) beforehand. You can also pour a little oil into your hands first and rub them together to get it toasty before you slather it on a partner. It’s a good idea to steer clear of any internal use to avoid the risk of infection, but external surfaces are all fair game. Pro tip: Invest in a waterproof sex blanket to keep your sheets from getting oily. To crank things up a notch, Dr. Brown-James suggests incorporating massage stones, which you can heat up in hot water or by wrapping them in a warm towel.

3. Drizzle them with massage candle wax. Few types of sensation play are as overtly sensual as pouring hot wax on someone: It’s steamy, it’s wet, it smells great. The important thing here is that you use a candle explicitly meant for massage purposes—and no other kind. Massage candles only heat up to a few degrees above body temp, Engle explains, so there’s no risk that they’ll burn on contact. They also melt into a nice oil that you can then use for a sensual massage—see above. The same rules apply here too: Keep things surface-level (and generally steer clear of genitals). Engle also suggests keeping a pack of baby wipes and some lube nearby, so that if and when you decide to involve nether regions, you can easily clean off your hands and switch over. (As a note, it’s best to avoid “warming” lubricants, since they often include glycerin, which can throw off the balance of your vaginal flora and put you at risk for a yeast infection.)

4. Tease them with a steamy fabric. You know that feeling of clothing straight out of the dryer? A version of that on bare skin can be superhot. Engle suggests warming a silky scarf—you can pop it in the dryer for a few minutes, steam it, or even blow-dry it—and then draping it along a partner’s body. (This could turn into a playful tickle-fest—you’ve been warned.) Another option is to use it as a blindfold, and then get into the wax play above, while your partner can’t see what’s happening. “When you take away one of your senses, you make the others easier to access and more intense,” Engle says.

5. Warm a sex toy. If you already have a stainless steel or glass toy (like a dildo or butt plug), you also have an instrument for temperature play; both materials can be safely heated and retain their temperature well, Dr. Gunsaullus says. Just pop the toy in a pot of hot—but not boiling—water for a few minutes. (Or if you’re in a hurry, crank the tap to a high temp, and run the water over the item, Engle suggests.) From there, you can use it how you normally would, but for any internal stuff, go big on the lube and move slowly to minimize friction and prevent accidental tearing.

6. Heat up another object. No sex toys? No problem. Any small metal household item can serve a similar purpose for external play. (Key word here: external. If you want to use an item for penetration, stick to something made specifically for that use.) For instance, Dr. Gunsaullus recommends a spoon. As with the above, you can pop it in a hot pot of water or run it under the tap, and once you’re satisfied with the temperature, explore stroking a partner’s body with it. She suggests squeezing on a little dollop of lube, “so you have this smooth sensation gliding over areas of their body.” Start with less-sensitive zones like their chest, back, or stomach, and then work toward more erogenous ones, like their hips, inner thighs, or breasts, perhaps circling closer and closer to their nipples, she says. A scarf doubling as a blindfold or soft restraint can be a sexy addition here too.

Cold ideas for temperature play

1. Make use of ye old ice cubes. It’s a cliché, sure, but for a reason: Super cold can be very hot. One option from Dr. Brown-James is to run a small piece of ice directly over your partner’s body (let it melt a bit in your hand first, so it glides smoothly). Just don’t leave it in any one spot for too long because it might irritate the skin, she cautions. The nipples are a popular region to play with because they tend to be sensitive, Engle says, so the frigid temperature can immediately spark a really intense sensation. You can also pop an ice cube in your mouth, and as you’re kissing or licking parts of their body, breathe out a puff of cool air, Dr. Gunsaullus says. If that feels a little tricky to maneuver, Engle also suggests just popping an ice cube in your mouth for a few seconds, swishing it around, and then spitting it out into a cup before getting into sexy stuff; this way, your lips and tongue are chilled, but it’s easier to make out or give oral sex without worrying about, well, choking on ice.

2. Refrigerate or cool down a sex toy. Good news for those who prefer the thrill of a little chill: It’s as simple to make a glass or stainless steel sex toy cold as it is to heat one up. Just plunk it into a bowl of icy water for a couple minutes, or refrigerate it for a little while. (There’s also no rule against storing a toy in the fridge permanently, FYI.) That said, Engle says it’s generally not a great idea to put a toy in the freezer because that can quickly put you in too-cold territory, and “you just really do not want freezer burn on your clitoris.” Same as above, you can use the toy how you normally would (don’t forget the lube!), but you want to go even slower with insertion, Engle stresses. “When your vulva is warm, the pelvic floor and vagina are more likely to relax and allow for penetration, whereas there’s a good chance that with cold, you’re going to tense up,” she explains. Moving at a glacial pace, at least at first, reduces the chance of any pain or tearing. (The same general principle applies to sliding anything into a butt.)

3. Chill a small household item. Any metal or glass object that you can heat up can also generally be cooled down too—take the spoon, for instance. As with a sex toy, you can soak it for a few minutes in cold water or pop it in the fridge for a bit. Dr. Gunsaullus suggests lubing up your cold spoon and running it along a partner’s body, as with the hot one, teasing them along erogenous zones like their neck or nipples. But you can also use something like a jade roller or even an ice roller that’s typically meant for a face, Dr. Brown-James suggests. (Though, remember, it’s not a good idea to use any of these things internally.)

To get fancy with it, Dr. Brown-James says you could even alternate with any of the above hot and cold ideas—for instance, stroking a partner’s body with one hot spoon and one cold one, or playing with warm massage oil and a refrigerated sex toy. Think of it like the X-rated version of contrast therapy.

The goal here is to “get curious and have fun with it,” Engle says. And of course, if anything feels not-so-sensational, communicate that to your partner, so you can both pause and pivot. Like any new sex thing you’re trying, temperature play might be a little weird or embarrassing at first—but that’s all in the nature of sex-ploration.